a place for me

so you all are still there, still alive, surviving the madness they show on telly and make you shell out money for in the cineplexes these days. Good.
so i kinda disappeared in between. well i was like always busy partying. and know what this was probably one of the strangest weeks i've lived.

so what was i up to?

went to vizag for a trip. and forgot my data card back at home. there's something about alcohol that makes you forget all the unnecessary things in life. kidding.

so why on this earth was i in vizag? It was a friends B-Day, a fellow brother who believes in the potion of life as much as i do, we do. as the story goes we together were able to erase 48 bottles of beer from the face of mother earth in a night. some really heady social service, trust me.

I took a flight from delhi to hyderabad and from hyderabad took a volvo to vizag. lovely trip with a the AC on full blast tried to sleep thru a telugu movie that goes by the name chinnuda or something. no offences but i could hardly understand a word u see. reached vizag at 6 in the morning on ma friends b-day. reached his apartments on the beach road. every minute reminding me of the years spent there. well never tho one to let a friend down this guy welcomed me with a skinny hug and we sat down to discuss girlfriends old office colleagues and the likes of it, a few minutes into the conversation he gets up and takes a walk down the hall to kitchen. i hear some clianking noises and before a minutes has is back with two bottles of beer, serves one swig right into my mouth and says- There, your breakfast. well if something starts so well you can only guess at the end. tell you what would contnue with the story in my next post.

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I being me.....thats CRAP!!!

So ya guys following the Crap...ppl love crap.....as they loved...."Rakhi's Swayamwar"....or "Sach ka samna"....or Nigar Khan takin Bath in "Mujhe is jungle se Bachao"...well ..I know you are not among 'em.

I m weird really weird and blunt when i m drunk. That's me!!!
riding at a speed of 90kph I realised m on wrong path. Decided to stop for a Fag...I asked the "Khoka" owner : Bhaiya yeh road kahan jata hai?....he replied to my despair....
"Bhaiya ye Faridabad jata hai".....n then I started to recall....where ma evening started!

taking a long Drag of my beloved cigarette Brand Wills Navy cut I started trying to recall everything.

Ok..... last Saturday evening DJ (did i tell you about him....nah!...you'll surely gonna read a lot bout him later on ) came to ma place with his CD Bag; asking me to come along with him for a party. I was too tired to go anywhere. Don't know why agreed to go along with him. Party was at a farmhouse near MG road. The party has already started when we reached Sound equipment Guy (Manoj) has already started the music and ppl were already on the floor enjoying the booze n music.

As soon as DJ grabbed the console and started playing the whole crowd gone Hysteric. He played blasters of tracks which could have even moved deads in grave. I was enjoying ma Penacolada in one corner of the Bar when this female came across to me. Her name was Tripti....quite a contenting name(lol). She introduced herself as Khushi's cousin.....Khushi- Dj's "current" girlfriend. W started talking over the drink. Gratified with my qualification she asked me for a dance. And till now I was too drunk to refuse with such a beautiful lady. We started dancing and hell!! we danced like no body's watching, although I offended many people with my dancing. She looked beautiful wearing a Pink satin skirt with blue top...short silky brown hair covering half of her face . Later on talked bout lot of things like Wat she liked n all...the usual talks. And all the weird an wacky questions by me; she passed with all with flying colours.

Then DJ indicated from across the Floor that it was time for us to leave. "So.. um, bye then," I said. "Could I have your number?" she asked, right on cue. We exchanged numbers quite happily and I went off, only to text her much later that night saying: Hey, it was good to meet you. We should do coffee or something, sometime.

Four days later her MSG came ""Hiya, good meeting you too. Yes, we should hang out." For a minute I was all, "Who?" but then it came back to me. "How bout Saturday?," I said.

We hit Hash at Priya's at 9 on Saturday n till 10 we were surrounded by 12 of our Friends ...for its being Saturday. It was hell of a date if we call it a date....we were partying with so many ppl on our very first date. Late in the evening I asked her to drop her home. There she asked me to stop over for a drink (an old wine her uncle brought from Macau)...as I said its all bout beverages..... I was bound to stop.
But it was more than a drink... we sat on floor, She brought her guitar along the drinks....I played Guitar for her til 2 in the morning...she watched me playing. Beautiful She looked ....short brown hair, hiding half of her face in dim light of the night lamp...and at tat moment I knew I want her to be my girlfriend. That we were going to be together. Don't ask me how I knew, perhaps it was just the Wine and the music I was playing and the way she was listening , perhaps it was just one of those times when fate hits you on the head, but when we kissed, it felt right. Connected.

So, yes, I'm in a relationship once more. Whoa!!!

to be continued......


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7 years of my alcoholism......7 years of being the good BAD BOY

now that we know that we have a lot of answers....but no questions for those answers....and some questions that maybe would never have an answer lets get back to the real problem (not yours if you don't believe it is). Lets get back to where i never left but should've. Lets get back to why am i writing this today or wrote what i wrote yesterday or the day before that, I guess that u have already guessed that it's not so easy to recollect things that happened when you were collecting things from the past and trying to understand how it came to pass like this. what i write here may not be true (for all u know) but hey! i got no reasons to lie.........

so 7 years it has been,
7 short years of learning unlearning then relearning what i learnt as a kid.
year 1 - beer and fun, and then hooked on rum
year 2 - drunk on love,
year 3 - trying to give in to whatever i was feeling,
year 4 - bent & broken, love makes u live then makes u cry,
year 5 - trying to live, failing to die,
year 6 - life's back with vengeance, apologies and i still cry,
year 7 - the last i saw, the last i see, this life i live, has been lived by people other than me.

so you see 7 years. 7 goddamn fucking years of watching things happen regretting they ever happened, and realizing your not the first or the last or the middle even, all that i live is such a waste. we have reproduced as a species, reproduce well, reproduced so much that there's nothing new that you can do. There are precedents. Always. It kind of takes the charm away and i guess makes believe in the Matrix. i know, stupid thought. but hey! think about it. is there anything new you kcan do, is there any life left to live that would still be new???


Some one has already lived this life,
lived all those moments and,
lived it thru,
there nothing new that i can do,
we all are second hand at best.
thanks to the efforts of a race that i'm sure has a legacy of duplication.


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le chal wahan
jo mulk tera hai...
jahil zamana
dushman mera hai
akele kahada
veeraan savera
mujhse begairat
vatan mera hai
le chal wahaan
jo mulk tera hai
nazren bole,
duniya tole
dil ki zabaan,
aur hai mera jahaan,
ye bikhre se mausam,
mit ti see yaaden
aur geela samaan,
nange pairon pe,
akelee raahon mein,
haalaat se bedum,
yeh zindgi hai marti,
bahoon mein jalte,
khwaabon ke sholey,
kaali syaahi mein,
liptee si vaajah hai,
khilafate gawaahi mein,
mere apne khade,
kuch dil se toote,
sapne jo na judae,
ye mera vatan,
ye mera jahaan
aur tadapta hoon phir bhi,
ki mujhse rootha falak hai,
le chal whaan,
jo mulk tera hai.

well. i wouldn't drink ever, like all those things i never said, i mean it. Just tell me one thing before i do it though. would i still be able to think, write or say things like these? if i weren't sane, would i still be me? without playing to be me, would i still send this message? would i still talk about things that i think about? would i still think about things i do and things i should or shouldn't do? would i still think about the things i talk about? would i still be the same? tell me that life would still be the same. that i'd still have these random feelings - of being alive, of falling dead, of insanity and the impression of ingenuity, the memories of past (and vivid too), the love for present, the hatred time has bred, inside, outside and within myself. would it always be like that? i wonder why? why do we have to drink and behave? why am i supposed to be the good boy while the world plays bully with me, him and you? when talk is sweet and it's meaning dirt cheap. why should one maintain the impression? smile through their depression when they feel like crying, when people laugh at you when your dreams are dying. when you are alone in the crowd, when loneliness is all you get and privacy is all you care about. tell me this, tell me that i'm not right, tell me that all that goes through my mind is just crap, u don't have to make me believe, i'd do so gladly, i'd change a ton for just an ounce of truth, i'll be the one they say i should be, but for one moment of truce.

Too many Questions and no answers.
too many songs and no one to dance,
too many friends and still Loneliness,
too much of it feel and still,
too much is left
too many thoughts and no time to mull over,
by time you become you,
your life is over.

Over and out.
time to raise one more doubt,
time to die for the thing u live for,
time to cry with pain
and call out their names,
life conspires to bring the end,
and i thus need,
all wishes you could send,
a bottle of whiskey,
or a bottle of rum,
all i need are my thoughts,
ripe as plum,
ready to be plucked,
sold over the counter,
and some bad luck............

I'm your stereotype drunkard,
who says things,
that are not meant to be said,
and if i've already said them,
well! there's still a lot left unsaid.
Pardon my crime,
for the sake of rhyme,
and if there's none,
forgive me still,
cause i'm drunk on wine,


life doesn't go on, it just keeps pushing forward.
we invented it all to avoid calling ourselves failure ...........

something has to end, before another could begin.

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o sweet human child

O' sweet human child,
i wish you'd remember,
when you were born,
you were wild,
not an act of providence,
want when labored,
in the fields of pleasure,
it led to your existence,
They were long years,
the period when you learn't,
The science,
the civic,
the fashion,
Produced a void,
you now call civilization,
god must have watched,
with fingers burnt.
o my sweet human child,
i want you to remember,
when you were born,
you were wild

well they say god made man in his image, I wonder if that is why i feel like god all the time...or is it because of the king fisher or tuborg, cyborg or whatever.water saves life and alcohol gives some. If you don't believe it, try it. i don't drink because i'm sad, mad or something at something or the other. I do it cause i like the feeling. The dopists call alcohol a downer, but it does make you live more of every moment that you spend under it's influence. You laugh at the smallest thing and you laugh like crazy. you'll never see a drunk man giggle. You talk loud and not in the hushed tone of conspiracy. you are all of a sudden throwing caution to the winds and that definitely doesn't go down well with the conformists of this society. So it's a strange choice here. Isn't it. Live more by the number of years you live, or live more by how much in those years you live. It's just different strokes for different folks.



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irony of life is, time catches up with you. you spend your whole fucking life trying to catch up with time, but in the end it's the fucking time that catches up with you. wish it was the other way around. wish the earth wasn't round, and so on.....

so the biggest truth of the millennium is- I drink, I booze. now i would say to myself ( if i was a fucking nerd like you) whats so big about it? well it depends on the demography you see. so if you are a Yugoslavian or a Serb or a Caucasian or even colorful ( read black) it doesn't matter. i never said what i said for you to hear. but if you were born in the fertile plains of the Ganges ...or in a fucking paradox they now call India. i'm sure you'd understand how important that could be. Life and death situation. trust me, believe me or go fuck yourself.

So for all all of you stupid fucking drunkard brothers and their sisters- I write it all here what i've felt thought and been through like all of you. The rest try and drink some today. it won't make you strong but it would make your brains work.

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7 years of my alcoholism

Dear All ,
this is for all you people who have been screwing there lives through out . keep watching i ll be back soon with my first post.